


Anchor

by Mekina



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Related, Established Relationship, M/M, Season/Series 08, Spoilers, Wincest - Freeform, season 8 episode 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-15 14:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mekina/pseuds/Mekina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You think I enjoyed being without you?" Sam clutched desperately at Dean’s knee. "I missed you all the time. I saw you everywhere. Everything that happened, every thought in my head, it all lead to you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anchor

“I wish you would just listen to me for five seconds.” Sam had a lovely view of the back of Dean’s head. He’d take any view he could get, even one of his ruffled hair (no product in it, he noticed. Maybe Purgatory had cured Dean of the habit? The thought made Sam ache.) and freckled neck.

He just wished he could see Dean’s face. See his eyes, the eyes he’d been dreaming about for a year. “Please.”

“Don’t. Just don’t. I’m not in the mood right now.”

“You’re pissed, I get it. Just give me a chance?”

“You had your chance,” Dean growled, hunching forward even more. “Leave me alone.”

Shaking his head, Sam rounded the chair and crouched in front of Dean, trying to catch his brother’s eye. “No. No, I won’t. I haven’t seen you for a year, man, and you’re already doing it.” Dean kept his head down but raised an eyebrow questioningly. “You’re already shutting yourself off from me, using your anger as a shield. Just for once can we not do this? I’ve got you back, I don’t want to fight.”

He was hoping that would soften Dean. His brother remained stubbornly angry. “I think I have a right to be pissed off. You didn’t look for me. You just went off with some girl and settled down. Apple pie fucking life, I hope it was worth it.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam let his head drop onto the chair between Dean’s knees. “I didn’t do any of the things I was supposed to. Any of the things I should have done. I just lost it. I was alone, Dean. Completely alone. It’s never happened to me before. I had no one. You were gone, Bobby was gone, Castiel was gone. Everyone we knew. It was like I wasn’t even there, you know? I was just kind of drifting, until I met Amelia. And for a while…” He lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “It was kind of like an anchor. I had something solid to hold onto, a relationship, and daily life that I had to focus on. I think it kept me from going crazy.”

When he lifted his eyes hesitantly, he saw Dean was looking at him, actually looking at him. His heart soared. “Doesn’t matter anyway. That was then. And this is now. I know you’re angry with me, and I get it, but I’m here now. So are you.”

“Just finding it hard to believe you actually settled down with some chick.” Dean still looked angry, but he wasn’t turning his head away, so that was something. “We don’t do that. I know we agreed not to look but we _always_ look. It’s just what we do.”

“Remember when I jumped into the pit? You went to Lisa for a year. You settled down. I don’t see why that’s a problem for you.”

“I did it because you made me promise! It was your fucking dying wish!” Dean sat up straight, eyes narrowed. “I wasn’t exactly resting easy that year. Wasn’t some happy rainbow filled adventure. I was miserable. I drank all the time, I had nightmares and woke up screaming,” there was a moment of hesitation before he went on. “I dreamt every night about you, about what you must have been going through in the Cage. Every single goddamn night. Couldn’t close my eyes without hearing your screams. I didn’t just move in with her for fun! I did it because you asked me to.”

“You think I enjoyed being without you?” Sam clutched desperately at Dean’s knee. “I missed you all the time. I saw you everywhere. Everything that happened, every thought in my head, it all lead to you. Always you. All I wanted the entire year was you. I didn’t want Amelia or a house or a steady job. I wanted you.” He could feel tears rising. He didn’t want to cry, not after he’d been holding it back for so long. He’d cried over Dean only once during the entire year. Mere feet from where Dean had disappeared, he’d fallen to the floor and just lain there, sobbing hopelessly. After what seemed like hours Sam had wandered drunkenly out of the building to stare at the Impala, Dean’s baby smashed up yet again.

Dean was silent, watching as the tears spilled over and Sam gave up, pushing his face into Dean’s leg and letting go, tears soaking the denim. Minutes passed, then Sam felt Dean’s hand, big and rough and calloused, pushing into his hair.

“Dean,” Sam whimpered helplessly. “ _Dean._ ” His fingers dug into his brother’s knee. “I’m sorry, only you, just you,” he mumbled, wondering if he was even making sense.

“Okay. Sammy, it’s okay.” Apparently Dean couldn’t stay angry when Sam was crying. “I’m still, I’m not thrilled with you,” Dean muttered. “But I’m kind of acting like a…”

“Like a dick.” Sam sat back on his heels, rubbing his eyes and pushing his sweaty hair back. “You’re being a dick.” Dean made a face at him and he smiled. “I won’t apologize again. I know I didn’t do what I should have, but I was hurting. Okay? You just vanished and left me alone, I don’t know how you expected me to deal with it. I went off the rails for awhile. Doesn’t matter, we’re here.”

Dean nodded, and they silently agreed to put that year, at least for the moment, on the list of things Winchesters Don’t Talk About. “My baby’s in one piece. Meg smashed her through a sign, didn’t she? What’d you do, take her to a mechanic?”

Sam found himself grinning even wider. Dean looked so disturbed at the thought of anyone that wasn’t a Winchester getting their hands on the Impala. “I did it.” Dean appeared dumbfounded. “Give me some credit, man. You did teach me some stuff a couple years back. Yeah, no, I got some books out of the library on automotive repair. I’ve always been a quick study.”  
Suitably impressed, Dean clapped him roughly on the shoulder. “Didn’t let anyone else touch her, ‘atta boy.” Long minutes passed in not uncomfortable silence as they stared at each other. Dean licked his lips unconsciously. “Sam?”

“Yeah,” Sam said hoarsely. “Yeah.” He gripped Dean’s knees again, rising up as Dean came down, their lips meeting.

Sam shuddered into the kiss, emotions swelling up because yes, Amelia, for a year, but in reality, it was Dean. It had always been Dean.

He’d been fond of Amelia, and if he had stayed, he was sure he could have loved her. Maybe he already had. She was sweet and smart and normal.

So yeah, Amelia, but at the same time, _Dean._

His asshole big brother that was maybe being a massive dick, but he was still Dean, still the guy Sam had been thinking about and missing every single second for a year.

He hadn’t deserved her, never had, because she gave her entire heart to him, on a silver platter, but all along, even as he pretended to be hers, he already belonged to someone else.  
His heart was already Dean’s.

Always had been.

Maybe Sam had loved Amelia, and maybe he hadn’t, but he’d never stopped loving Dean. Not for a moment.

“Sam, you know this doesn’t just. I mean I’m still pissed,” Dean said when they stopped to breathe, not moving away from each other. “Doesn’t make things magically okay. But fuck, I missed this.” 

Sam heard what he wasn’t saying. _Missed you._ “I know. We still need to talk.” Dean groaned and kissed him again.

He wished he could strip them both, get into bed and stay there for days. Kevin, though, they had a responsibility. “Things to do.”

As he followed Dean out of the room, Sam inhaled. It felt like he was really breathing for the first time in a year. He actually felt awake, aware of his own life and what was happening in it.

Now that he had Dean back, he could start living again.


End file.
